


there is no sweeter innocence than our gentle sin

by racheltuckerrr



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Emotional Hurt, Episode Fix-it, F/F, I have no idea what this is here you go take it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-12
Updated: 2017-09-12
Packaged: 2018-12-27 05:51:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12074808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/racheltuckerrr/pseuds/racheltuckerrr
Summary: “It’s not about what you do,” she says with a wistful sigh that carries a lot more than just the last seven months’ worth of loneliness, “it’s about who you love.”And I love you Kara, she wants to add so badly she can feel her heart breaking all over again, just like it did seven months ago when those arms pulled her in and Cat hid her tears behind Kara’s back, clutching her close for the last time.So I came back.





	there is no sweeter innocence than our gentle sin

_“Through pride we are deceiving ourselves. But deep down below the surface of the average conscience a still, small voice says to us, something is out of tune.” (Carl Gustav Jung)_

* * *

Contrary to popular belief, getting a seat on Air Force One is actually a piece of cake. Well it is for Cat anyway, who always has a favour ready to cash in at the edge of her ever so talented fingertips. And sure, it doesn’t hurt when said favour is owed by the Leader of the Free World herself – or as it happens, an old _friend_.

Now how old exactly, Cat has a whisper of a suspicion would be a more difficult question to untangle, but she keeps it to herself for the moment as the two women enjoy a rare moment of comradery above the clouds. Human connection _is_ , after all, the very reason why she so needed to catch this ride.

But even as she congratulates Olivia on the alien amnesty deal with a zeal she suspects they both share and sprinkles a little Cat Grant wisdom about her time away, Cat’s focus is decidedly elsewhere as she stares out of the window at the white cloud curtain surrounding them, willing it to part with her gaze alone.

It doesn’t, but even so the plane hurtles toward National City at a steady pace, reassuring and terrifying her all the same, which is how Cat knows that’s exactly where she is supposed to be. Where she was _always_ supposed to be.

It’s taken her an irritatingly long time to reach an awfully simple conclusion, but Cat still can’t bring herself to regret it because now she knows, with all the certainty that she’s never believed herself capable of in the past. She knows what matters most.

Removing herself from her throne and temporarily stepping out of the life she knew had exactly the desired effect: it forced her to strip herself down to the barest essentials; those things that deep down Cat always knew she could never entirely be herself without.

Her heart and her soul.

If the matter was ever up for public discussion, some might think it was the fame and fortune. Others might say it was the shiny throne itself, and the empire beneath it, the steady pillars on which a queen can stand, up and above it all, like a queen _should_ , however isolated and alone. And, truth be told, on her worst days even Cat believed that cheap, scandal hungry, TMZ induced version of the truth to be the one closest to who she really was.

Some days, but not today. Not when the relief of finally being honest with herself was still fuelling her courage, and making her believe she could reach for the stars. Or better yet, for someone who could just as easily fly among them as Cat was right now.

The first one was no surprise, even as she sat in a lone yurt in a remote mountain range and felt the essential organ tap out the familiar rhythm inside her ribcage; Cat’s chest still felt hollow without the presence of the one person she was doing it all for: her little boy.

Her heart.

Without him, her life was ever so dull, even despite the glory of success. Without his smile to come home to, the penthouse seemed emptier, the hours longer, the awards mocking her from the shelves as she closed herself into her study and buried herself in tedious work or the biting taste of alcohol each night he was away.

Oh, she missed him. The frequent phone calls and constant texts weren’t enough anymore. She wanted to see him, hug him. Be his mom again, the way he deserved. She would, soon. Carter was her next stop, right after this one.

The first one was no surprise, but the second was the tricky part.

It takes time to realize how much you need something when you don’t even know you have it. Cat hated to be associated with a cliché like that, but it’s really been in front of her the whole time. Or rather, _she_ was.

Her soul.

The girl who came twice, but didn’t need to be asked once to stay. Right from the start, she was everything that Cat needed, always right when she needed it, and sometimes even before she knew it herself. And she never, ever needed to be asked.

Well, Cat figured she could still ask. It was time. It was _their_ time.

* * *

“It’s not about what you do,” she says with a wistful sigh that carries a lot more than just the last seven months’ worth of loneliness, “it’s about who you love.”

_And I love_ you _Kara,_ she wants to add so badly she can feel her heart breaking all over again, just like it did seven months ago when those arms pulled her in and Cat hid her tears behind Kara’s back, clutching her close for the last time.

_So I came back._

It’s on the tip of her tongue, but Cat can’t bring herself to add the perfect end to her little confession, no matter how well thought out. No matter how long she’s been waiting, wanting to do nothing but exactly that.

Not even as her heart is breaking at the possibility of finally having waited too long.

And definitely not with the word ‘boyfriend’ still ringing in her ears like the incessant buzzing of a bug that always seems to come back no matter how many times you remember swatting it away.

So she soldiers on, doing what she does best and tells Kara what she needs to hear, like always.

No, it’s not selfish. Of course it isn’t. It’s _human_.

She even lets the opportunity for a perfect little irony slip by because Cat is tired as hell of chasing that line of questioning when she knows that the remnants of the fragile friendship they’ve built before Cat left is obviously not enough for Kara to let her in now, no matter how much Cat craves that level of trust between them.

But then the dark, bitter voice that sounds a lot like the conscience Cat still pretends not to have is whispering that maybe…she’s just been wrong all along. Maybe it’s time to accept that they’re just not meant to be as close as she can finally admit to wanting to be. And just the thought of that is almost enough to crush the blooming hope inside the walls of Cat’s recently renovated heart.

“It’s everything,” she sighs, hoping it’s enough to cover the way her voice breaks at the word, simply because it’s true.

It _is_ everything.

And if only Cat hadn’t been so proud, she could have figured this out months ago, and then maybe _her_ everything wouldn’t be looking to the stars with that loaded expression on her face, her anguish clear in the face of such uncertainty, of not knowing if she will be able to save her loved ones.

And that really is the crux of everything. Love.

Cat wonders for the thousandth time when she missed that particular train. Was it all those months ago as she turned her back on her empire and the one person that made her feel like she could reach for even greater things – all the while being within reaching distance, or was it earlier still?

Was the Siobhan debacle the last straw? Or was it when she pushed Kara in the direction of her eldest son in some vain attempt to keep them both from slipping through her fingers, and almost achieving just that?

Was it when she left the Daily Planet with her head held high, a plum-sized person in her stomach and a sales agreement for the highest building in the National City skyline in her pocket? Was it when she chose to keep the latter of the two?

With great success, comes even greater regret.

Cat learned the hard way that there are many things they don’t tell you beforehand about the road to fame, and one of those things is that sacrifice is the most important building block of any such empire.

She knows that now, having put many a brick in there with her own two hands, each one more painful than the one before. Which is why, when she was finally reminded of _the point_ , even if she had to travel to a remote Asian mountain range to get it, she decided to stop wasting any more precious time, and it was only goddamn too soon.

But apparently not soon enough.

Cat usually wasn’t one for what if’s and but’s and maybe’s, but like always, Kara brought out a side in her she wasn’t used to being at the forefront.

Because what if Cat had never left. Where would they be now? Or what if she did, but came back as soon as she realized everything she’d been missing, which could’ve been a lot sooner too. Maybe the Girl of Steel would be looking at Cat now, instead of the brightest spot on the sky, with that fondness that still crinkles the corners of her eyes, even in her worry.

But then again, maybe it’s better that Kara isn’t looking at her, because it’s been a long and vulnerable seven months and Cat’s ability to school her features isn’t quite up to her regular standards yet.

Kara’s heavy sigh finally breaks Cat out of her reverie, and just in time too.

“I’ve really missed your advice, Miss Grant,” the hero says as she finally does look at Cat, and there is just a hint of that old mischief back in her bright eyes that seem to shine even in the darkness of the alley, and Cat’s heart decides to skip a beat without her consent.

“Ah, and I’ve really missed giving it. Now shoo, up up and away, no time to lose!”

Kara does smile at her then, and for a moment everything stands still in Cat’s world because this, right here, is what she’s been missing all this time.

Her so called point is standing right in front of her in all her glory, beaming at her with infinite gratitude and the answering smile on Cat’s lips tastes too much like hope already, but she’s never really been good at ignoring low-hanging fruit, so for once she decides not to care as she grits her teeth, takes a chance, and reaches out.

In every sense of the word.

“ _Kara, wait_ ,” she calls, voice betraying the confidence with which she grabs one of Kara’s already clenched hands at the last possible second before she could take off to save the day.

Those incredibly defined shoulder muscles freeze up instantly at the name, just as Cat expected, but suddenly the stillness gives way to a gentle shaking and it’s impossible to tell if Kara is laughing or crying. Cat suspects it’s a little of both.

“It’s alright,” she says quietly before doing the only thing she can think of and gently opens Kara’s fist with her fingers, sneaking her own through them to tug the hero back in front of her again. “Give me your eyes, darling.”

When Kara still doesn’t turn Cat drops her voice to a whisper, trying and failing to keep the desperation out of it because for once in her life, she has no cards left to play, “ _Please_ , Kara.”

And that must have been the right thing to do, because Kara does finally turn, slowly, and there are suddenly tears in her eyes, but she still doesn’t let go and as far as mixed signals go, Cat takes it as a good sign.

“I swear to Rao, your timing is even more dramatic than the rest of you.”

Cat smirks through her own tears, as she tightens her hold in response.

“I made a promise to myself in that yurt, Kara, and I intend to keep it. No more pretending.”

Kara’s eyes almost burn into Cat’s and it’s relieving and terrifying at the same time to know that they are finally on the same page. Because all this pretending hasn’t really been about Kara’s identity for a long time now.

“No more pretending,” Kara says, but her voice wavers. “Does that mean –“

“ _Yes_.”

“I can’t do this right now, I – ” Kara says, suddenly panicking, as her eyes keep flicking between Cat and the now invisible point in the sky only she can see.

Right. Cat almost forgot about that for a sweet second.

“Darling, it’s alright,” she says, releasing her hold on the girl at last. “We don’t have to.”

“I _want_ to,” Kara whispers back immediately, and the aching need in her voice is all Cat needs at the moment.

She reaches for Kara at the same time Kara steps into her space, the top of the barrel putting them at eye level with each other as the hero finally crushes Cat to her body in a long overdue hug that brings them both to tears.

And it may be presumptuous of her, but Cat can’t help wrapping herself around Kara like a vine, soaking up every goddamn inch of that human connection while she still can, just in case.

“ _Cat,_ ” she chokes and it’s a plea and a benediction all in one.

“I just wanted you to know,” Cat whispers into Kara’s ear after a moment of just breathing each other in, her lips caressing the shell of the younger woman’s ear as she does so, “that I _know_ you, and that you are always safe with me. No matter what.”

Which is ironic, considering she’s just told the hero to fly into danger to save the day, but Cat knows Kara understands the greater meaning behind her words, just as she always does.

“I know I am,” Kara says as she pulls back, palm resting on Cat’s cheek still as if she can’t bring herself to tear it away.

That longing is right there in her eyes again as the bright blue seems to burn right down into Cat’s soul, and it’s a feeling Cat understands very well, because now that she finally has Kara in her arms, she never, ever wants to let go.

“I want to kiss you so much, but if we do that now, I’ll never leave.”

“Go,” Cat breathes after her voice returns. “Chop chop.”

“To be continued.”

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world, Supergirl,” she says with a hint of mischief and a sultry smile, because despite the very real danger hanging over them yet again, when Cat watches the muscles in Kara’s thighs flex as she flies away, she can’t help but see the future in an undeniably biased but sinfully positive light.

“That is still so... _hot_.”

* * *

“Miss Grant, this could be dangerous.”

“No, no no, this _will_ be dangerous,” Cat says, eyes flashing even in the low lights of the alien dive bar.

She doesn’t like the tone Kara just used one bit, as if she was talking to a child who doesn’t know any better, when they both know that Cat _does_. The point she’s trying to make is that she is willing to take the risk regardless. She crosses her legs, like a challenge, even if it’s not entirely intentional. Well, maybe it is.

“But if it’s dangerous for all of you, why shouldn’t it be dangerous for me?”

She does want to help, that much is true, but seeing the barely concealed fire in Kara’s gaze as she looks her up and down almost makes Cat squirm on the bar stool she’s sitting on, and yes, that in itself was more than worth it to volunteer herself as bait.

It also means there is no way in hell she is ever going to back down now. Not if that’s the response her so called unnecessary heroics get out of Kara, and certainly not if Cat can actually contribute to her being just that little bit safer.

Her defiance must show in her eyes too, because Kara gets that look in her eye that Cat knows a lot better than she probably should.

The one that she came to associate with the days when there were no sticky buns left at Noonan’s at lunchtime and Kara always came back sulking and irritable, never so much so that it would stand in the way of doing her job perfectly, but just enough for Cat to notice the steady simmer that kept on brewing under the surface throughout the whole day, or until Cat took pity on her and shared a tiny portion of her M&M’s.

She’d also noticed that particular look whenever her mother came around after that disastrous first time and Kara took to following Cat around even more religiously than usual, earnest like a Golden retriever pretending to be a German shepherd, determined to protect her from whatever she could, even if it wasn’t much in the face of her mother’s cold indifference.

Or that one time when a particularly misogynistic board member blew up at Cat in a meeting once for no good reason and Kara’s eyes practically burned as she fumbled out a lame excuse before suddenly disappearing, and not five minutes later Supergirl _accidentally_ saved a family of dolphins by crushing the yacht that just happened to belong to him to pieces.

It’s a look that Cat knows well, but has never been on the receiving end of in the past. Up until now.

“Excuse us,” Kara addresses the rest of the group through gritted teeth, but she refuses to look away from Cat until she nods, agreeing to follow her outside.

Kara doesn’t wait a second more after she hears the door close behind them, the red cape billowing after her as she pounces on Cat, easily trapping her small body between Kara’s chest and the brick wall of the alley, cushioning her head as it lands against the hard surface with a dull thud.

Glowing green eyes flash dangerously for only a second before they both reach out at the same time, hands touching cheeks as one last affirming look passes between them and then all bets are off. The kiss is surprisingly gentle at first, not quite tentative because they both know what the other wants, but still searching, reassuring and liberating all at once.

Cat strokes Kara’s cheek with one hand while the other goes searching for something, anything to hold, tug at and feel, she just wants to _feel_ Kara.

The solid muscles of the strong arms that hold her as if she’s something precious, the strawberry blonde hair that’s fallen into both of their faces creating a curtain to the outside world, the solid chest against her own that might be the only thing holding her upright at the moment.

Soon, it’s not even close to being enough, and Cat feels hot tears escape the corner of her eyes, without any memory of when she even started to cry.

“I can’t lose you,” she hears Kara murmur from somewhere around Cat’s chest, head bowed as she kisses her way up the older woman’s throat, starting at her collarbone, up to her neck, catching Cat’s escaping tears on her tongue as she goes. “I just got you back, Cat. I can’t…I _can’t_ lose you.”

“I can’t lose you either,” Cat whispers with an edge of desperation, grabbing the hand that’s closest to her and bringing it to her lips. “I won’t.”

She only realizes she’s shaking when Kara gathers her in her arms and pulls her close. Cat hears a heart hammering in her ears like a drum, but can’t tell who it belongs to anymore. When Kara leans in again to capture her lips and Cat tastes salt on her tongue, she decides it doesn’t matter.

In that moment, nothing else does, and Cat finally allows herself to feel.

“Kara, you cannot begin to imagine…how much I…. _how_ _much_ ,” she chokes on her own voice when she feels Kara’s bare thigh press between her own through the fabric of her pantsuit, and Cat’s world stops spinning outside of this one moment, right here, with Kara.

“Oh, I think I have an idea,” is the last thing she hears whispered in her ear as Kara bites down on it, and Cat finally let herself fall, knowing full well that Kara is going to catch her. 

* * *

“And what do you think _Kiera?”_ Cat asks with a feigned nonchalance in her tone that is so over the top it could only ever fool Clark Kent, especially as the tone is belied by the extra bounce in her shoulders as she peers up at the person who made her come back from the Himalayan mountains, because even they couldn’t contain the way she feels about this girl. “Do you think Supergirl is ready for this?”

The way Kara squares her shoulders as she takes a deep breath, coupled with the earnest resolve in those eyes that Cat spent the better part of last night being thoroughly lost in before she was found again tells her that Kara recognizes her double meaning, just as Cat expected. _Good_.

It shouldn’t be this surprising to finally have an equal in every way, but the pleasure that idea gives her is still a novelty that almost makes Cat shiver on the spot.

“She told me she is,” Kara adds for her cousin’s benefit and Cat half rolls her eyes at how anti-climactic it feels to still be playing this part.

It’s half-hearted in any case, because for once, she honestly doesn’t mind. For once…she’s finally on the other side. The stakes are high, the time is now, and Cat is finally _all in_.

“Then I put all my chips on the Girl of Steel,” she smirks as she says as much, hazel meeting a mesmerizing pair of determined sky blue as they have their own silent conversation, the underlying message unmistakable, but only for Kara to hear.

What she doesn’t say, because it doesn’t need to be said, is that she always will.


End file.
